Posted at 9:46 AM 0 comments (+) Today is different. Apart from the super bad haze, being out in the open all day, shuffling between school for a meeting and semb for my tuition. Apart from the fact that I had to wear super professionally soon enough and probably had to dye my hair back to black. Dying my hair back is the LAST thing I ever want to do because I have just retouched my roots not long ago, before my KL trip. I'm going to test their limits, hehe.

All that aside...

I am glad I had a blog. I'm someone who hates to change, which thoughtfully explains why I haven't change the url of my blog all these years. All these years indeed... I don't know how many out there are still reading my ever-boring blog and I don't know if you still do remember me and still read. But it does make sense to write, to write whatever I feel something bothering me. I feel, so I write. I hate the part when I feel and have so much to say but I couldn't really verbalize out in proper chronological sequences in exactly describing how I feel, not a very vocal person I supposed.

Memories can be a sneaky bastard and pain changes. It subsides and it morphs. It becomes a scar that you can get around with. But when something triggers it (especially triggered by people belonging in the past), the wound suddenly feels so sharp and deep that you feel like no time long enough can efface those unpleasant memories and make those wounds heal. That's how I feel today as I took my mrt ride back home. It never really heal.. The heartbreak was still so real and pain.

People who still use the same speaking tone and showed the same amount of concern but I can only be forced to concede that things have changed. He had been a complete stranger ever since we fell apart. All the years all the times and all the tears. All the lies and all the waste. Haven't shed much tears within half a year, but I conceded today. Shed alittle tears today not because of the douche-bag, but because I felt that I have been through so much pain, so much so much. Why do I deserve that pain just because I trusted someone wholeheartedly. It felt like I expended every ounce of energy left dealing with a very unfortunate snafu eight months ago, I was beat-tired everyday, at least for that two months after the fateful incident. It was a gruelling ordeal for I had to don on a false smile everyday and pretend everything's okay when people showed concerns. Those were the days and gone were those days..

I must admit that memories of those years and those heartbreaks with million of tears still stings. No, I don't mean I miss the person by that. I have so many unanswered questions, and I wish for closure that I will never, ever, get. I wish I knew why he did it, what force so forceful to lie and cheat on someone who did absolutely nothing wrong, perpetuating this delusion of a happy and trusting relationship that she clung onto. Despite giving chances after chances, he couldn't repent. What can I say, I was young - my views on love were ludicrous, naive, absurd even. I could be so stupid enough to believe that I can turn a blink eye. I ought to understand the faint line between being trusting and being pure stupidity.

Knowing that he got on ahead with his life with some other girl, I don't feel the least happy for him. Shouldn't he squirmed with the large amount of indelible shame and plagued with so much guilt that he has to stop going around casting nets at easily victimised targets? His guilt needs to be constantly gnawing away at his conscience. His happiness is my biggest insult in life. No, I won't let go. I won't let go of the hatred.. I sympathize that some other girl, a piteous thing to know in fact. His cheerful manner belied his unsavoury character of being a cheater and someone lewd, lustful and full of lies.

In a couple of days, any residual thoughts of this douche-bag will fade from my mind. I will go back to living my happy and blissful life, in the here and now, without those wistful memories.

But I will never forget the thorns along the road...